I’ve been going through one of those ‘waves’ of sadness recently. I’ve heard a couple of people who have been through this describe it as that- periods of happiness, sadness and neutrality that kind of ebb and flow and get all mixed together at times.
It's about the time when we would have been finding out the gender of the baby and I would have a cute baby bump- maybe I would be about to the point of needing maternity clothes. I try my hardest not to think about these things, but it just so happens that a lot of people I know are pregnant and due right around the same time I was. I see them updating their blogs/facebook pages with these types of posts and I can’t help but go into the ‘what if’s’ sometimes.
I hate it when I let myself do it though because it inevitably ends with me feeling sad and lonely.
It’s not that I’m mad or angry at the people who are so delightfully happy- I suppose I’m feeling some jealousy- just wishing that I could be having those celebrations with them.
For some reason this weekend was particularly difficult. I found myself moody and was frequently plagued by flashbacks to the days after we found out. I remembered looking at the paint blemish on the wall waiting to hear the news. I remembered crying in the operating room before the D and C. I also remembered sitting in the examining room waiting to hear the expected heartbeat. It was so heartbreaking- why would my brain make me relive all of those moments????
Today was a sunny and beautiful 60 degree day in Colorado. It definitely lifted my spirits. Steve and I got outside and took a walk around Lake Mac and talked about going on a dream vacation this summer. We laughed and joked and had such a fun time. We discussed how in the future, we will be a family that takes Sunday afternoon bike rides. It was such a great afternoon.
He had to leave for California on business this week. I dropped him off at the airport a couple of hours ago and am wishing right now that I didn’t have to say goodbye to him for so long! Luckily, I have a busy week ahead of me hopefully it just flies by until the next thing I know it’s 12:40 am on Friday and I’m picking him up at the airport (That’s right- he couldn’t get a flight home until after midnight on Friday, bummer!).
8 comments:
That stinks that Steve has to be out of town again. I am apart form my hubby for the next 10 days and it is hard! I think it is the longest we have ever been apart. Anyway, hope you find some fun girly things to do this week!
I'm sorry it's been a hard week. This time of year is always a little difficult (especially when you work in public schools). I hope you get feeling better soon. Love you!
Oh, Kalli. This just broke my heart. I hope this week passes quickly for you. Love you so!
I know it is already Wed., but hope the week is passing quickly. I'm glad you are still seeking happiness in what you do have. We learn so much from our difficult times, and it is probably because we really have to work at being happy with today in spite of the sorrow of yesterday. The sun will come out again. Take care of yourself! Much love, Mom & Dad
Your mom is the best!!:)
Just want you to know that I have been thinking of you and it isn't easy to go through what you are going through, especially when others around you do not understand what you are going through inside. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you will be able to be "happy with today" like your mama said:)
Kalli- I'm so sorry. It's not exactly the same, but with all the failed in vitro attempts, the same thoughts would go thru my mind, especially with friends due around the same time. For me, the worst part was when a really good friend didn't tell me she was pregnant until she really showed because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
What helped was coming up with an alternative awesome surprise. We were planned to go to the Galapagos, when our very last attempt at in vitro resulted in Kira. I needed to have something positive either way. Maybe your anniversary trip and planning will be a temporary diversion until the real things. hugs!
Kalli
I sent you an fb message. Read it when you get a chance.
Love you.
idearest kalli,
I am not good at this and that is why i don't attempt it much. I just want you and steve to know how much i love and appreciate the good children you are to us and brent and sandra. we are so blessed as a family, the time will come in the future when Heavenly Father's plan will make sense to us, and the time will come when you will have the wee ones around you giving that comfort and the everlasting grief but joy that comes with children. You all have been such a joy to mom and i. we couldn't have asked Heavenly Father for better children. thank you both for the many joys you bring. I know Heavenly Father grieves with you and will send the comforter for you. wish we could be with you, but we are looking forward to july. Love u dad
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