where Steve is going for his internship. He will be working for Pratt and Whitney in Connecticut for six and half months starting in June. He's excited about the project. He will be redesigning and relocating the assembly line and supply chain for the Airbus airplane (You know the HUGE double decker airplane-- that one!). I think he's a little overwhelmed because it is a BIG project but I have no doubt he'll knock their socks off! The town is about two hours away from Boston. We've heard that the company he will be working for is very understanding if you have a spouse that is still living/working in Boston and will let you work 10 hour days M-Th. This means Steve could potentially only be gone 4 days a week and be home 3. That's not so bad right???? Well that's what I'm trying to tell myself.
We knew that going to school in Boston meant there was a possibility of being apart for six and half months. I always just really really hoped that he would get something where he could stay home and it would be no big deal. But this year there were very few local internships and A LOT of people in his program wanted to stay local. So they were VERY competitive. Since I found that out a couple of months ago I had to really prepare myself for the very real and distinct possibility that we were going to be apart. It helped a little.
I feel like I have been in mourning this week. I tried really hard to just accept it and be a big girl, knowing that it could have been worse. This worked for about two days.
On Thursday night it was POURING rain and the wind was HOWLING. I got off the train and decided to wait for a bus rather than walk the milehome in the rain and wind (Steve was in class so he couldn't come get me.) Well I waited and waited. And then I waited some more for the bus to come. After waiting about 35 minutes and getting pretty wet, I started thinking about the internship... 'How am I going to be able to do this all by myself? What am I going to do when I don't have the option of Steve picking me up from the train in bad weather? What will I do when he's not coming home every night?".... etc etc.... After having these thoughts for a while I take a quick glance down the street and there was the bus...driving away from me. I missed it because I wasn't in the right place for it to pick me up.
So imagine me, standing in the pouring rain, pretty wet, having these horrible thoughts, waiting for 40 minutes for the bus to come, then missing the bus and realizing I have to walk home in the terrible storm. I did what any girl would do-- I started to cry. As I started walking and crying, the rain became torrential and the wind blew my umbrella inside out like 15 times so my face was just getting pelted with rain and I was soaked in about 30 seconds flat. That's when the tears really started rolling. I cried the whole way home for everything... having to walk home, being soaking wet, and especially for the premature loneliness I felt creeping into my life.
Anyways the moral of that tragic story is I got home, got in a nice HOT shower and ate some chocolate and began to feel better. I felt especially better when Steve got home and I was able to tell him all about how I was feeling and how scared I was. After that conversation I felt like I could do it. I think I just needed to have a good cry and be real with myself about it. I think I just got really tired of hearing people say "Oh it's not a big deal", "You'll be okay", "It could be worse." I got tired of it because I knew all of these things were true (except the 'its no big deal' one-- this actually is a big deal.) and I knew I would get through it but I just really needed some time to be sad about it.
So, I've been sad about it, I've faced the facts and now I'm hopeful that I'll have a lot of help from my Heavenly Father that has blessed me with so much. I think that's key in my getting through this ordeal. I still feel sad about it, in fact, I've gotten a little misty eyed writing this post, but I also feel something I didn't before. I feel hope and peace. We can do this together and we will get through it. Somehow :)
Well just thought I'd fill you in on life here... I know I need to post about the Olympics but all the pictures are on Steve's computer and I haven't had a chance to steal it from him for a while to post. He has been working non-stop since we got home!
In America...?
7 months ago
12 comments:
If I lived closer I would hang out with you for sure. But in the end..."it will all work out" (that wasn't listed as one that you were tired of hearing so that's my advice!) My second advice is- get pregnant! hehe. You know me.
love ya.
I remember the first time Darrell was gone for more then one night- I CRIED and CRIED and CRIED! It was only to a scout camp for 3 days, the Bishop came to pick him up and no matter how hard I tried- I could not stop. It wasn't the pretty tears running down my face- it was hiccups, snot running, and sobbing. The Bishop was really worried about me and asked if we could all pray together- he did kind of snicker a few times too... It was quite a sight! But I survived the days and nights even though they were long. I prayed like crazy and I know I was blessed. Some people say it gets easier and to the point that it's not a big deal. It should always be a big deal- who wants to get used to the fact that their husband is gone? But I promise, you can make it- and you will be blessed in little and big ways to get through it. Maybe some friends of yours have a car and can pick you up in bad weather- I wish I lived closer and I'd for sure have been there.... I'm sorry you guys have to do this- but I guess absence makes the heart grow fonder?! Or I just heard this the other day, 4 days apart give you 3 days of loving each other... constantly- maybe a baby will come with all the loving!!!:)
The pregnancy talk made me laugh, but honestly, if I had to be my kind of pregnant without Jake, I'm pretty sure I would die. My laugh quickly turned to stone-faced in like .2 seconds.
I'm so glad you got your good cry in. In every potentially crazy emotional time in my life, a big cry has made everything better...from miscarrying to being terrified new mom with a baby who wouldn't eat. I remember each of the big cries very specifically. ;) There is truly something cleansing about letting it all out, especially in the face of the "helpful," "everything will be all right" kind of advice.
I'm laughing at the pregnancy comments! :)
Congratulations on his internship...it does sound like a HUGE job, but that is awesome that he got it & he will do great!
That is no fun that he has to be gone 4 days a week. I'm so sad about your terrible day in the rain. It reminds me of a similar day I had...but in the middle of AZ heat...walking while pregnant...in the middle of nowhere...after my car broke down...my cell phone dead...of course I just cried & walked & cried & walked.
It will be hard to have him gone, but live up the 3 days straight you will have with him on the weekends!
love ya!
Wow Kal that sounds like a super duper rough day! Ouch, it all came down on you at once. Well I am sorry about the separation, Scott and I haven't been apart for more then two weeks. During that time I'd get in a routine and the daytime was fine, but I missed him terribly at night. On the positive side there is something to look forward to...Reunion sex is awesome! love you girl. Maybe I'll come visit you.
I was so hoping he would get a closer internship! I have to say I went to Gilbert for two nights to stay with my parents and leave Scott to work on his thesis and I had tears in my eyes when I said goodbye! And I was the one choosing to leave! So pretty much I am a wuss , that is just plain tough but if you need someone to talk to on a lonely night, give me a call!
Hey Kalli, next time look and see where the bus is!!! I'm laughing so hard right now thinking about you with your umbrella turning inside out. You're tough Kal. You'll totally get through this and it will be over in no time!
Oh Kalli. I got misty reading your post. I'm sorry you feel so sad. I would feel sad too.
Oh Kalli . . . the pathos of it all! I'm sorry for your soggy, sad, bus-missed day. That just sucks! I hope that I can come and spend a little time in Boston with you. I'll buy you a new umbrella:) Love ya, Mom H.
Congrats to Steve. That is great. My condolensces to you. I'm sorry. That is going to be a really tough six months. Crying is ok!!! Good luck. Please post Olympic pics. Troy is dying to see the snowboarding.
Kalli, I have cried many times like when Eli was gone was going to leave or possibly going somewhere. Its really hard at first but it gets bearable, maybe keeping a journal when you have things that you want to say to Steve. When you lay down to go to bed and think "wow I wish steve was here," then write down everything you wanted to say to him. Then we he gets home you can give him these special letters to read and take with him every week when he has to go back to CT, because I am almost positive he is just as scared as you. He is just as worried about his wonderful wife being home alone and he is going to be concerned if you are doing alright.... Comunication is the Most important thing about being apart. When we hit our 3 year mark I will have lived with Eli for only 13 months.... so I kinda know how you feel.
Love Ya Kalli!
I'm so sorry that you have to be apart. I'mwith you, it's a big deal whne you have to be apart. You are right, Heavenly Father will take good care of you!
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