Just can't think of the words to describe this one....

On November 1st, I found out I was pregnant. On December 13th, I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

When we found out we were pregnant- we were so excited, scared, apprehensive, disbelieving and happy. I took three pregnancy tests to make sure before I even told Steve. I told him at our new favorite restaurant over dinner. I handed him a note that I pretended I found at school that said "1+1=3". That's it. It took him few seconds before a big grin broke out and he asked if I was making an announcement. I told him yes and we celebrated. We immediately downloaded the Babycenter.com pregnancy app which told us how far along I was and when the baby would be due. I was almost 5 weeks, with a due date of July 5th, 2012.

For the next 2 weeks, we planned carefully how we would tell our families. I had long ago decided I wouldn't wait till the first trimester was over before I told my family. I knew that I would want them to know 1- because I can't keep secrets and 2- because if something were to go wrong I knew I would need them intensely. I scheduled my first midwife appointment and began reading all material regarding pregnancy I could get my hands on. I didn't feel sick at all, I was dead tired but was willing to take that over being sick any day.

We finally decided how we would tell our families. We would tell Steve's parents and siblings the weekend before Thanksgiving when they would be in Colorado and my family over Thanksgiving when we were planning to be in Arizona. Perfect.

Our families were so excited to hear our news, and it made us more excited as we told the people we loved. I loved hearing the surprised and excited exclamations and the questions that followed. Every day I got more excited for July 5th when I would become a mommy and have a little baby to cuddle with, love and watch grow.

Right after Thanksgiving, we went to the first appointment. It was so nerve wracking and exciting. Steve came with me and I took that as the ultimate way of saying I'm invested in this baby as much as you are. The midwife listened for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She said this was pretty typical at 8 weeks, so we scheduled another appointment for 3 weeks later when we would for sure be able to find the heartbeat.

In the meantime, I decided that I wanted friends to know and in general became more open that I was expecting a baby. I wasn't telling everyone, but I confided in close friends and coworkers. I was waiting to make the announcement super publicly after Christmas to get through the first trimester.

Well, yesterday, December 13th was my second appointment. The first hour was spend with a midwife discussing nutrition and general healthy practices for pregnant women in a class setting. Then we went to a private room so we could hear the heartbeat. I nervously, excitedly climbed onto the table, imagining what it would be like to hear a heart beating inside of me and how I would tell my family about it. I had even gotten ready that day put on cute clothes, curled my hair and put eye makeup on for the first time in weeks. I don’t think I did it intentionally but subconsciously wanted to look pretty for when we heard the heartbeat- you know to make Steve fall even more madly in love with me J

The midwife began looking for it. She searched for probably 8 minutes and said to go to the bathroom and move around to see if we couldn't change the position and find it. So, after I got back we looked again. She looked for another 5 minutes before the machine turned off because it had been on so long. She turned the machine back on and looked for another 5-8 minutes. As she is doing this, I began to get extremely nervous. She continually reassured me that it could the position of the baby or my uterus- nothing to worry about. Finally, she stopped and had me sit down. She wanted to go across the street to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound to find the heartbeat and make sure everything was okay. Before she could send us over there, they needed to call the hospital and let them know what was going on and make sure that they could fit us in etc. We waited in the room silently for 20 minutes. The midwife came back and this was the first time she mentioned the possibility of a miscarriage. Immediately, my eyes filled with tears and all I could do was sit there and listen and try unsuccessfully to blink the tears back. We waited for another 15 minutes before they sent us over to the hospital.

At the hospital, I had the agonizing experience of checking in and waiting for a few more minutes before they finally called us back. Once back, the technician told us she would looking for a heartbeat and taking measurements. As she began, I saw on the screen a fuzzy black and white outline of my little baby. Instantly, there was hope in soul that everything was okay and it was just a fluke. She began taking measurements in complete silence. Nothing was said for another 15 minutes. She continued looking and soon I saw what I think was heartbeat on the screen. Then it disappeared and she wrote HR on the screen, hit enter and there it was. Where my baby's heartbeat was supposed to be there were flat lines. I knew immediately what that meant. At that exact moment, a song from my favorite band came on over the speaker, maybe to comfort me but all I could do was cry. I watched to tech try the same screen a few more times, typing in HR, followed by a flat line. Finally, after an agonizingly long time, she said "I can't find a heartbeat, I'm going to check with the radiologist to confirm my results." and then she left.

All I could see at this point was that little black fuzzy image on the screen that had been a baby growing in me, and now I knew it was gone. I couldn't hold it together. Steve kept trying to say that we don't know for sure, nothing is confirmed but I knew. I knew and it hurt so badly. I stared at a blemish in the paint for another 20ish minutes while we waited for the confirmed results. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. All I really wanted to do or could think about doing was laying down on that hospital bed, curling up in a ball and crying. I knew if I allowed myself to do that, I wouldn't be able to move again. I tried to hold it together, thinking it would better if I could lose it at home. So I tried. But still that little fuzzy black outline of my baby was burned into my mind.

Finally about 30 minutes later, we got a call from the midwife saying she was very sorry to tell us this but that there was no heartbeat and that it looked like the baby stopped growing at about nine weeks. It was right then that I lost it. I could hardly talk and needed to go home so badly. We left the hospital and drove home.

I really had no idea how attached I already felt to that little thing. I think it was truly made worse by seeing it on the ultrasound. I am still amazed at the amount of attachment I feel. I can’t really explain it except that I was excited for that little thing and now it isn’t to be.

This is the part where Steve and I were left to deal with a new and very unexpected reality. No baby in July, no pregnancy, no idea what happens next.

We called the midwife to hear what our next steps were. She told us what our options were. They all sounded equally terrible and frightening. After we hung up with her, we decided to tell our families.

Each time we had to say “I had a miscarriage.” What a terrible phrase that is. I kept feeling it was saying I did something wrong. Think about the other words you know that begin with the prefix mis-. Mistake, misjudge, misdemeanor etc. They all imply something wrong; typically something a person related to the word did wrong. I know that no one else sees it that way but it was so hard. That being said, it’s times like this that ensure me that I have the best possible family support system in the whole world. Thank You to all of my family. I love you and so appreciate your support.

I decided to go to work today to get my mind off of everything. I started the day okay but had a rough meeting first thing. One of my coworkers asked if I was okay and I started sobbing. I told them what had happened and they were also so supportive. I also had make phone calls to get the next steps going. We decided to go with a D and C rather than doing it naturally. I couldn’t bear the thought of having it dragged it out up to two weeks and not knowing when or where it would happen.

As the procedure was described to me over and over again, they kept using the phrase “scrape everything out of your uterus”. The word scrape practically made me want to throw up and I certainly couldn’t hold it together as they said that word. They are going to “scrape” that precious new life I thought was growing inside of me, out of me. In fact, I can’t even think about that phrase right now.

I know that I will heal from this and that life will move one, but right now I can’t imagine how exactly. I feel so hollow and empty inside. I do feel comfort from the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father, but it doesn’t exactly take away that hollow feeling. I’m scared for how hollow and empty I’m going to feel after the procedure on Friday.