Summer in Utah-- Catchup!!!

I wanted to at least try to catch up on our summer events before its a lost cause (it might already be a lost cause....). We had such a fun summer. We lived with Steve's parents. Steve's sister and brother-in-law also lived with his parents and his other brother and his wife live only minutes away from the Hale' house. Then at the beginning of July, Steve's other brother and his wife and their three kiddos moved into the same house. Yes- Steve's parents had 3/5 grown and married children living with them. Plus, once Annie got home from her mission they had 4/5 children living with them (Annie was only there for like 5 days before we left on our cruise- but still!) It was chaotic, fun, crazy and at times exhausting. I wouldn't have done it any other way though. It seemed like everyday was busy and we were traveling and/or doing something fun!

We went on a camping trip for a few days with Steve's brother Scott, his wife Rachel and their very new baby. They took us to a beautiful place where Steve could try out his new fly fishing rod and we could all relax. We took a couple of bike rides, went for a few hikes and ate a lot of good food. It was a beautiful place.

One day I decided it would be a good idea to read a book in the sun with no sunscreen on and midcalf length capri pants. You can see that this actually wasn't a good idea and I got a nasty tan line that never actually went away.... Lesson Learned.

Even though it was the end of June, there was still a lot of snow on the ground. I love this picture of a little bloom poking up through the snow- it must be a determined little plant.

Steve's prize rainbow trout (EDIT: Correction: Steve has just informed me that this is a brown trout- not a rainbow trout... and he made me change it in this post :)

We were going to be en route to and in Venice on our 4th Anniversary with Steve's whole family-- so we decided to go overnight to Park City and stay in a fancy hotel overnight to celebrate. As always- we had a problem! First of all, Steve didn't even feel good and second of all I got in a bath and when I got out I saw that there was water EVERYWHERE. The tub had leaked all over the bathroom floor and into the bedroom area. There was like 1/2 an inch of water on the ground. So, at like 2 in the morning we had to pack up all of our stuff and move rooms. They gave us a discount luckily but it was still a bummer. Someday we'll go somewhere for our anniversary without a hitch. So far, it hasn't happened!

We got these great Hale Family pictures taken right before our cruise. I thought they turned out great!

Oh ya- the in-laws are sooo ridiculously good looking :)

We also went to Lagoon one day with the whole family- the kids had a great time and the adults had an even better time. We were there as it opened and stayed until it closed. We got on the bumper cars about 50 times over and over again right before we left. It was awesome. Steve, Mike, Jordan and I also did the skycoaster which is so fun! It totally fulfills any desire I might have to skydive or bungee jump!

Then- Annie came home from an 18 month mission in Nebraska. We were so excited to see her!!!

Mike also had a birthday...

The rest of these pictures are just random pictures of the day to day we experienced this summer. We had to try really hard to get Lucy to like us- we finally got her one treat at a time :)

Abbie and cute little Adelaide

I promise that we even did the mundane kinds of things like folding laundry- and I also promise that those underwear on Steve's head are clean :)

Adelaide love to look at pictures of herself!

Next up- 12 days in the Mediterranean!

Miscarriage: Part Two

It has been almost four weeks since we found out about the miscarriage. To be completely honest, I am shocked at how good/normal I feel and how much hope I have for the future.

The D and C went really well. I hope every surgery I have is that easy. I woke up in the recovery room a bit dizzy and disoriented and really hungry! We stayed at the hospital for about 45 minutes after I woke up and went home. After we got home, we watched movies all day. I had no pain and was only slightly bleeding. Saturday, we ventured out to get lunch and I did some Christmas shopping. Since then, I have had no pain and only bled lightly for about 5 days. I am so happy that I chose a D and C. I think it really helped expedite my healing and grieving process.

Though I felt pretty good, the weekend was tough for me. It was filled with lots of self-talk, blinking back tears, and Steve's reassurances that I could indeed make it through this trial.

Steve had to go on a business trip to Dallas from Sunday to Wednesday. So, I had rescheduled my flight to Utah for Sunday also. I felt a little dead inside thinking about being apart from him- I was so scared to venture out on my own and not have my rock there with me. Needless to say Sunday was not my favorite day. That night, I was at my in-law's house and stayed up practically the whole night talking, grieving and crying with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. It was so cathartic.

Then, when I woke up Monday morning, for the first time since I heard the news, I felt good. I felt hopeful. It was truly the strangest thing I've ever had happen to me. I know that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ heard all of the prayers being said for me and blessed me to feel that way. It was as if overnight, the whole burden had been lifted and I could rejoin the land of the living. It was one of the best blessings I have ever received in all of my life. I have still had some hard days, and hours but overall I have truly felt happy.

As I have thought about this experience and the ability I've been given to heal, I can't help but be grateful. I feel like I have truly been able to experience the happiness in life I had been missing and to know that when I am blessed to be pregnant again and have a baby, I will be able to experience the full spectrum of happiness and joy that come with that experience. For that I am truly grateful. I remember someone saying to me that to take the pain and sorrow out of life would also be to remove the happiness and joy and love too and it is so true.

I also can't help but be grateful for all of love and support I have received from everyone in my life. Words can't express how much every gesture of kindness meant to me. It has been especially helpful to hear stories of others who have gone through this experience, which I'm sure isn't an easy thing to talk about.

For now, I am still taking things one day at a time, but in a good way. I am hopeful, excited for the future, and grateful beyond words for the blessings I have been given.

Just can't think of the words to describe this one....

On November 1st, I found out I was pregnant. On December 13th, I found out my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

When we found out we were pregnant- we were so excited, scared, apprehensive, disbelieving and happy. I took three pregnancy tests to make sure before I even told Steve. I told him at our new favorite restaurant over dinner. I handed him a note that I pretended I found at school that said "1+1=3". That's it. It took him few seconds before a big grin broke out and he asked if I was making an announcement. I told him yes and we celebrated. We immediately downloaded the Babycenter.com pregnancy app which told us how far along I was and when the baby would be due. I was almost 5 weeks, with a due date of July 5th, 2012.

For the next 2 weeks, we planned carefully how we would tell our families. I had long ago decided I wouldn't wait till the first trimester was over before I told my family. I knew that I would want them to know 1- because I can't keep secrets and 2- because if something were to go wrong I knew I would need them intensely. I scheduled my first midwife appointment and began reading all material regarding pregnancy I could get my hands on. I didn't feel sick at all, I was dead tired but was willing to take that over being sick any day.

We finally decided how we would tell our families. We would tell Steve's parents and siblings the weekend before Thanksgiving when they would be in Colorado and my family over Thanksgiving when we were planning to be in Arizona. Perfect.

Our families were so excited to hear our news, and it made us more excited as we told the people we loved. I loved hearing the surprised and excited exclamations and the questions that followed. Every day I got more excited for July 5th when I would become a mommy and have a little baby to cuddle with, love and watch grow.

Right after Thanksgiving, we went to the first appointment. It was so nerve wracking and exciting. Steve came with me and I took that as the ultimate way of saying I'm invested in this baby as much as you are. The midwife listened for the heartbeat and couldn't find it. She said this was pretty typical at 8 weeks, so we scheduled another appointment for 3 weeks later when we would for sure be able to find the heartbeat.

In the meantime, I decided that I wanted friends to know and in general became more open that I was expecting a baby. I wasn't telling everyone, but I confided in close friends and coworkers. I was waiting to make the announcement super publicly after Christmas to get through the first trimester.

Well, yesterday, December 13th was my second appointment. The first hour was spend with a midwife discussing nutrition and general healthy practices for pregnant women in a class setting. Then we went to a private room so we could hear the heartbeat. I nervously, excitedly climbed onto the table, imagining what it would be like to hear a heart beating inside of me and how I would tell my family about it. I had even gotten ready that day put on cute clothes, curled my hair and put eye makeup on for the first time in weeks. I don’t think I did it intentionally but subconsciously wanted to look pretty for when we heard the heartbeat- you know to make Steve fall even more madly in love with me J

The midwife began looking for it. She searched for probably 8 minutes and said to go to the bathroom and move around to see if we couldn't change the position and find it. So, after I got back we looked again. She looked for another 5 minutes before the machine turned off because it had been on so long. She turned the machine back on and looked for another 5-8 minutes. As she is doing this, I began to get extremely nervous. She continually reassured me that it could the position of the baby or my uterus- nothing to worry about. Finally, she stopped and had me sit down. She wanted to go across the street to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound to find the heartbeat and make sure everything was okay. Before she could send us over there, they needed to call the hospital and let them know what was going on and make sure that they could fit us in etc. We waited in the room silently for 20 minutes. The midwife came back and this was the first time she mentioned the possibility of a miscarriage. Immediately, my eyes filled with tears and all I could do was sit there and listen and try unsuccessfully to blink the tears back. We waited for another 15 minutes before they sent us over to the hospital.

At the hospital, I had the agonizing experience of checking in and waiting for a few more minutes before they finally called us back. Once back, the technician told us she would looking for a heartbeat and taking measurements. As she began, I saw on the screen a fuzzy black and white outline of my little baby. Instantly, there was hope in soul that everything was okay and it was just a fluke. She began taking measurements in complete silence. Nothing was said for another 15 minutes. She continued looking and soon I saw what I think was heartbeat on the screen. Then it disappeared and she wrote HR on the screen, hit enter and there it was. Where my baby's heartbeat was supposed to be there were flat lines. I knew immediately what that meant. At that exact moment, a song from my favorite band came on over the speaker, maybe to comfort me but all I could do was cry. I watched to tech try the same screen a few more times, typing in HR, followed by a flat line. Finally, after an agonizingly long time, she said "I can't find a heartbeat, I'm going to check with the radiologist to confirm my results." and then she left.

All I could see at this point was that little black fuzzy image on the screen that had been a baby growing in me, and now I knew it was gone. I couldn't hold it together. Steve kept trying to say that we don't know for sure, nothing is confirmed but I knew. I knew and it hurt so badly. I stared at a blemish in the paint for another 20ish minutes while we waited for the confirmed results. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. All I really wanted to do or could think about doing was laying down on that hospital bed, curling up in a ball and crying. I knew if I allowed myself to do that, I wouldn't be able to move again. I tried to hold it together, thinking it would better if I could lose it at home. So I tried. But still that little fuzzy black outline of my baby was burned into my mind.

Finally about 30 minutes later, we got a call from the midwife saying she was very sorry to tell us this but that there was no heartbeat and that it looked like the baby stopped growing at about nine weeks. It was right then that I lost it. I could hardly talk and needed to go home so badly. We left the hospital and drove home.

I really had no idea how attached I already felt to that little thing. I think it was truly made worse by seeing it on the ultrasound. I am still amazed at the amount of attachment I feel. I can’t really explain it except that I was excited for that little thing and now it isn’t to be.

This is the part where Steve and I were left to deal with a new and very unexpected reality. No baby in July, no pregnancy, no idea what happens next.

We called the midwife to hear what our next steps were. She told us what our options were. They all sounded equally terrible and frightening. After we hung up with her, we decided to tell our families.

Each time we had to say “I had a miscarriage.” What a terrible phrase that is. I kept feeling it was saying I did something wrong. Think about the other words you know that begin with the prefix mis-. Mistake, misjudge, misdemeanor etc. They all imply something wrong; typically something a person related to the word did wrong. I know that no one else sees it that way but it was so hard. That being said, it’s times like this that ensure me that I have the best possible family support system in the whole world. Thank You to all of my family. I love you and so appreciate your support.

I decided to go to work today to get my mind off of everything. I started the day okay but had a rough meeting first thing. One of my coworkers asked if I was okay and I started sobbing. I told them what had happened and they were also so supportive. I also had make phone calls to get the next steps going. We decided to go with a D and C rather than doing it naturally. I couldn’t bear the thought of having it dragged it out up to two weeks and not knowing when or where it would happen.

As the procedure was described to me over and over again, they kept using the phrase “scrape everything out of your uterus”. The word scrape practically made me want to throw up and I certainly couldn’t hold it together as they said that word. They are going to “scrape” that precious new life I thought was growing inside of me, out of me. In fact, I can’t even think about that phrase right now.

I know that I will heal from this and that life will move one, but right now I can’t imagine how exactly. I feel so hollow and empty inside. I do feel comfort from the Holy Ghost and Heavenly Father, but it doesn’t exactly take away that hollow feeling. I’m scared for how hollow and empty I’m going to feel after the procedure on Friday.

Final days in Beantown

The last post that I wrote while living in Boston was the night before I took my comprehensive exams. Let me tell ya, those were two of the longest weeks leading up to taking those exams and two of the LONGEST days of my life. I think I suffered from some form of post-traumatic stress disorder in the weeks following! I was not myself at all! I think I had been so amazingly stressed that I just couldn't pull myself back together. Luckily I made it through (and I passed on the first go around!!!!).

Anyways....

After those two awful days were over, Steve and I decided to celebrate by going on a Boston Harbor Dinner cruise. We had bought some groupons earlier in the spring and had been planning this night for a long time! It was the first of many graduation celebrations. It was really fun to get way dressed up and go do something fancy together- we are normally super casual so this was different and super fun. What we didn't know was that there was a high school prom going on that night on the boat we were on. Luckily, they had their own deck and we didn't have to share!

The next day there was a celebration for the grads in my program. It was a small reception but I always love meeting my friends' families and seeing who and where they came from. This was kind of the last time we all got to be together and say goodbyes since graduation was going to be so crazy! I miss these girls like crazy!

The next day was graduation!!!! Our graduation was held in this old theater right by our school. It was very pretty and very Boston. The graduation was typical I would say but luckily it was short :)

These are the girls who helped me make it through grad school. I miss them so much! I need an excuse to get back to Boston since most of them are still there :)

This banner was all over the Boston Common! I thought it was so cool that my college was recognized on the Common- it seemed fitting since I walked along the Common almost everyday for two years...

Celebration Dinner- where else would we go besides Ruth's Chris??

Two days after graduation my family came into town! My parents, and Megan and Kiersty and Seth were able to make it. They spent a week with us and we filled everyday with New England!

My parent's and Megan flew in on my Dad's birthday- so we made his favorite, Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.

First ride on the T!

USS Constitution

We spent most nights playing some kind of card game

We went candlepin bowling one night. And I won :)

Steve lookin awesome, cookin pancakes!

We went to Newport, RI for a day to look at the turn of the century mansions there. These weren't typical mansions that you think of- they were like palatial, Versailles type of mansions. They were all built by the famous people of the late 1890's. People like the Vanderbilts. And most of the famous mansions are built along a cliff on the ocean. What a beautiful place. If you're ever in Rhode Island, check it out!

This is the Marble House. The whole foyer, hallways and common spaces are made of Italian marble- on the walls and floors. Wow.
This is the real kicker- called the Breakers, built by a Vanderbilt. This place was enormous and beautiful. Do a google search and try to find pictures of the inside.

On Steve's birthday we took my family to one of our favorite places- Maine! We had been here before and loved it. I think my family loved it too.

A cool memorial day tribute on the Boston Common.

Swan boat ride on the Common!

This was Henry Wadsworth-Longfellow house in Portland Maine. It was a pretty cool tour. And if you don't recognize that name, just think the poem of Paul Revere's ride. My Dad recited that poem almost everyday they were in Boston. So, it was fitting we went to the poet's roots :)

After my family left, we had a few days and then Steve's parents came into town. There were many events for Steve's graduation! MIT does a little more (just a little!) than Emerson did for graduation! It was so fun to celebrate with all of our friends and parents! There was an MBA graduation to kick of the events, followed by a reception at the Top of the Hub. The Top of the Hub is a super fancy restaurant on the 60th floor of the Prudential building in downtown. It boats 360 degree views of Boston. Pretty fantastic.

Not one- but two masters degrees from MIT! Way to go honey!

Steve graduated in MITs sesquicentennial year, which means they made it extra fancy!

The four Steves. Steve H., Steve W., Steve S., and Steve L.

The LGO SO's. What you don't speak acronyms? It means the best support system in the whole world! I miss these girls too!

I think we wore Brent out!

We went to a USA vs. Spain soccer game at the Patriots stadium. I'll tell you the story and let you guess how Sandra and I felt about it. We were planning to go to Cape Cod this day, until we got a text message from Jordan telling us about this game. All of sudden we were going to this soccer game instead of the beach! We spend 2 1/2 hours driving to the game, 2 hours watching it, and 3 hours driving home- all in nasty traffic. Just guess how much Sandra and I loved it.... Haha we actually had fun but were soooo exhausted when it was over :)

This picture is for real! Isn't that awesome? It is the Prudential building where we had the reception. It reminds me of Sleepless in Seattle when the Empire State building is lit up with hearts.

We had a graduation photo shoot compliments of Brent! We had fun taking these pictures!

This was cathartic- taking off those hats and celebrating the end of a very difficult, challenging, rewarding, fun and crazy two years!

We spent a day up in Newburyport, MA where Steve's ancestors are from. Brent was so excited to see these landmarks and show me and Steve the sights!

We also went whale watching- but saw no whales... (this was our second time going with no luck! We went with Megan too!)

Best Italian ever! We ate there like three times in the weeks before we left. YUMMY.

Best Cannoli's EVER! We also went here multiple times in the weeks before we moved!

All packed up! Luckily we didn't have to do the actual packing but it was still tiring. The movers were at our house for an entire day! I didn't think we had that much stuff but actually we do... Glad we didn't have to pack it. Thanks Amgen!

This is our last picture in Boston... We were exhausted going back to our hotel after a long day.

Goodbye Boston.